August 26, 2004
Mary, Canon 300D
The photo above is from an evening when I decided to take Danny Gregory to the most California style event I could think of- a chakra healing at Psychic Horizons.
We arrived and immediately looked at each other like, 'Oh, This is going to be good!' It was in an old Victorian house where there was a room full of folks waiting to be healed. While we waited our turn in the back garden, Danny drew this statue while I photographed her. She was a beauty.
We're not sure if we were healed or not. There were a lot of hand motions in the air and talk about grounding cords and the 7th level and cleanses with pink liquid and gold flecks. Very mysterious stuff. I kept waiting for the english translation to begin but it never did...
The timing of Danny's visit was interesting. He was doing research for his new book and asked me lots of questions about my creative life. If it's satisfying, what I love about it, why I do it, etc. When you have your own business you naturally go through cycles where you question everything, you wonder if it's all worth it, if you're really made for this, if it will ever get any easier. Sometimes you want to quit entirely.
It was fascinating to have someone come into my life and interview me during one of these cycles. They are questions I ask myself at various times, but saying them out loud gave them an entirely different voice. Sometimes it's hard to know what the truth is, that voice that says, "This isn't safe! Get out quick! It's all caving in behind you!" or the one that says, "It's all going to be okay. I have no idea how, but it always works out somehow right?"
Sometimes it's hard to know which self to present, which self to believe, which self to ignore and which self to embrace. Sometimes it's hard to have faith. Sometimes it's hard to trust and just keep going. And like our time at Psychic Horizons, sometimes it's hard to know whether you've been healed or not.
Posted on August 26, 2004 11:03 PM
I've just switched books from one to another. From Henry Miller's 'Big Sur', autobiographical sketches with a profound faith in life's ability to sort itself out, to Sylvia Plath's 'Bell Jar,' on the absolute other end of the spectrum. And I sit here unemployed and reading, writing music furiously half the time and staring at the ceiling the other half, wondering which side of the argument to believe. Is it all gonna work out, or are we just high on the vapours in the bell jar? I'm running through two-day caricatures of creative cycles, maybe running myself down. Or maybe it's just the reading material.
It's hard to believe that the details are so affected by the way you percieve them. Maybe that positive perception is synonymous with a positive approach, and my scientific brain can make sense of it that way. But for all the value of such observations, there's still old Sylvia conspiring in my brain stem, pointing out neuroticisms, purchased lies, and gnawing indecisions. And so still you gotta wonder how it'll all work out.
I have never posted a comment on this site before, but I just have to say... what a lovely photograph! It's absolutely gorgeous.
I feel like the most important thing my year in Paris has taught me is to have a little more faith in myself, the universe, whatever, just based on each scary experience I survived. Everytime I could look behind myself and say, "Well, it worked that time, and the time before and the time before that, so I'm just going to stick to this faith schtick."
It's a lesson that I hope is hardwired in me now, so I can apply it to my creative projects. I will also add a system of treats (sometimes I'll buy one of your necklaces, sometimes I'll buy one of your bracelets, sometimes some yarn) to make me bounce around and be really giddy and then get back to work.
what a wonderful post - andrea, thanks for being honest with us. It's good to know even the people we admire greatly have doubts, and reach out for healing. And a lovely photograph! I am really drawn to Mary icongraphy, and so I love this.
Your post is such a wonderful expression of exactly what I feel. I just started my own creative business (your guide to a creative biz had a HUGE impact on me--thank you so much for putting it out there!) and I often wonder if I'm nuts for even trying and the next moment I'm all excited about the possibilities. It helps to know I'm not alone when I feel that way.
Sometimes life is funny and unpredictable.. you can either choose to make the most of it or let it go by.. I am glad that you are choosing the first.. You ARE being healed by just writing and photographing whether you can see it or not.
Faith isnt something you can see.
Don't Quit!! You give everyone so much... it's worth it, and a way will open up.
It is hard to have faith every single day, though. So luckly that's why we keep people around us, in a real (and some times virtual) way... who can see the light at the end of the tunnel when you can't, and have the faith for you.
i just found your blog recently, and i have to tell you, i just _love_ your photography. it is melodious, and every shot just grabs me. thank you!
and of course you know, everything will work out just fine. if you knew how, or with certainty, though, life would grind to a halt. life is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be experienced.
Oh honey, you've just described life. It's chaos personified. You're not human if you don't question. I wish we didn't have to go through these times where we question what we're doing, especially when we're in our 30's, but it's all good. For all of us. I promise!!!
Great post Andrea, and beautiful photo!
I'm a big one for the 'self talk' myself, unfortunately. The best three things I do at a time like that:
2. Breathe in, breathe out.
3. Still the mind.
I also look at your website, and other creative people like Danny Gregory, and see how you have created a community that gives you feedback and nurturing. Next time you have some doubts, go back and read your comment archives! You, and your work, are loved, respected and appreciated.
I (heart) that photo. So incredible.
Oh, it's so wonderful to hear this, now, when I am asking myself all the same questions, when I am getting ready to take a leap myself. It helps to know that others who have become successful go through the same thing. It gives me hope.
Thank you. xoxo, christine
Sometimes it's hard to simply turn off all the nagging doubts and fears that run through all our minds. I find myself stradling the fence alot between the desire to just "go for it"...and the desire to "play it safe". I think we all have different selves. The strong, brave, ballsy self that can forge ahead, and the reserved, cautious self that warns us to hold back. I know this is an on-going issue for me. I really loved your insight, and it's good to hear another person give a voice to the same doubts I share. Thank you. :)
great great post...
it is so hard to trust which self to listen to at any given moment. i think that a very wise woman (you) once gave me this advice and it really does work... Just keep showing up.
Sometimes it is hard to remember that it is okay to have different selves, that your selves don't have to agree, and that it is okay to not know for sure.
This post has such universal meaning, to me. The same words can be applied to almost any job, even a 'dream job,' to marriage, to parenting, to training for an olympic competition, I think.
I love your perspective on things!
This was the perfect post for me to read at this moment. Thank you.
Yours is one of the blogs I go to for comfort and inspiration, and I really needed it today. Just hearing that someone else (and someone so talented!) hears those competing voices... Well, it's very comforting. Thank you again.