Self-portrait, shot with Canon 6D

I caught myself today, telling my sister a tired old story on the telephone. You know the ones I mean –the thing you have been complaining about for years, the thing that never seems to change, the one that always brings you anguish. When I hung up today (after venting at length) I noticed how my body felt- icky, tainted, like I had just eaten an entire bag of fritos.

I think I’m done telling that story, I thought to myself.

I need a new narrative. One that’s still true but makes me feel empowered + hopeful.

I went on a photo walk this afternoon. I wanted to shake my legs and get in the mood for the Treasure Hunt course starting in a couple of days.

I found myself taking self-portraits, click click click and then peering into the tiny screen to see how they came out. Sometimes it’s hard to look at yourself, isn’t it? My skin is mottled, my eyes are too small, I should wear makeup… the critic had a steady stream of commentary. Then I remembered something that Vivienne McMaster had shared with me, a self-portrait exercise where you look into the lens with total kindness + love.

I decided to try it, peering into the camera with the kindest part of my heart. I acted as if I were looking at my own boys, tiny and perfect and beautiful. Not only did it feel good to do this, but the shots turned out so much better.

I’m not sure what this new story is. (I will have to call on one of my life coach friends for this one)

What I do know, is that the key will be starting from this place of kindness and love. From this angle, things are bound to look so much more hopeful + beautiful.

Ben running to Gioia pizza, shot with Canon 6D

Investing in Ourselves

Ever since I took the plunge and bought my new camera I have been thinking about this idea of investing in ourselves. I’ll never forget the day my friend Kim bought her first laptop computer. We stared at the box underneath her desk for a long time, chatting. She was afraid to open it — wondering if she deserved such a beautiful tool, worried she had spent too much money.

I did the same thing after buying the camera. It took some measure of courage to drive over to the camera store and just buy it already. It felt like an illicit act, something daring, maybe even a little bit dangerous. When I got home, I stared at the box in the middle of my living room floor. I could take it back, I thought. Wow. It is so nice… Do I deserve this?

It felt substantial in my hands when I first tried it out, awkward. I felt like an imposter holding this sophisticated tool. Am I a real photographer? Isn’t this camera supposed to be for professionals?

It takes courage to invest in ourselves.

And yet, every time I have ever invested in myself, it has paid off a thousand fold. Every new tool has launched me into a whole new realm of creativity. This camera is no exception.

Have you ever invested in yourself? How did it feel?