Holy moly. Best thing EVER. I’m in love with Kid President.
No capes. Just courage.
Holy moly. Best thing EVER. I’m in love with Kid President.
I was honored to participate in the Mother’s Day Rally for Mental Health on Katherine Stone’s blog (Postpartum Progress) this year. Katherine posted letters to new moms from 24 writers who have gone through postpartum depression or anxiety. Each letter is so moving + powerful… and a must-read for your mama friends out there. So many of us don’t realize what we’re going through until we’re on the other side. We don’t get the support we need because we think we don’t deserve it, or that it’s not that bad, or we’re too ashamed…
When I took the above photo I said, “Let me take a photo! You’re going to want to remember this day forever!”
He replied, “Yeah, cuz it’s the best day of my whole life!”
It is so true that our children’s joy is our joy. Still soaking it up over here as I go through photos…
It’s possible that one of the few places I’ve found, where love feels so pure, is the love for those boys. The little ones with the big ocean eyes and long, thick lashes. The ones with yogurt smeared on their sleeve, denim torn at the knee, pot-bellied and pale-skinned. Those boys are so delicious I can feel my heart leap inside my chest at the sight of them.
“Mama loves you?”
This is Nico’s newest, and possibly most adorable question for me these days.
“Mama loves you?” he asks. And I say, “Yes, mama loves you…” and he wraps an arm around my neck and squeezes so hard that my left cheek and his right cheek touch with a glorious smoosh.
Last night when I was putting Ben down in his room, I heard Nico talking to Matt: “Mama loves you?” and Matt saying, “Yes, and daddy loves you too.”
“Daddy loves you? Benda loves you?” Nico continued to ask.
And I can relate to this question, that is perhaps underneath every other question.
Will you pick me up from class?
What should we have for dinner tonight?
Do you think we’ll go on vacation this year?
Maybe we are really asking- Do you love me? Am I lovable?
Ben has been sulking on the couch these days. When he gets upset about something, he runs into the living room and sits on the couch. After a minute or so he shouts, “Isn’t anyone going to come hug me?”
And so I remember more these days to ask, “Do you need a hug?”
And he almost always says yes.
You can have anything you want.
When I look at Ben these days, especially with a guitar in hand, I am reminded of the acorn and the oak. That there is a little seed in all of us with so much possibility. These photos feel like a window into some possible future… one that will hopefully bring Ben lots of joy.
These days, when Ben isn’t filming himself on the Flip camera, he will play for me and say, “This one’s the song that’s also the name of the album.” or “This one’s going to be a hit.”
He still needs to learn to play guitar, but he’s clearly got all the moves.
I saw an old photograph once of the brilliant photographer Alfred Stieglitz (well known for his stunning portraits of Georgia O’Keefe) He was about 3 years old and has a photograph wrapped around his neck attached to a piece of string. The caption read that he saw the photo and became obsessed with it; he wanted to have it close to his heart all the time.
P.S. If you’ve been following me on Facebook, you know I just bought a brand new camera! It’s called the Canon 6D and it is my first pro-grade, fancy-pants full frame camera. In short, I am thrilled. I’ve been snapping pictures all weekend long with a fervor I haven’t experienced in a long time. The first two shots of Ben are with the new gear. SO excited!
I’ve been mulling this post over for a while now. How do I sing the praises of Zoloft without sounding like a nut?
But to be really honest, those little blue pills are rocking my world. Maybe even saving my life.
It started off slow when I started the medication. The anxiety dissipated after a few weeks and I was grateful. I didn’t feel much different, but the stomach-clenching, hypervigilant, jumpy feeling had subsided. This had so completely become my normal, I just assumed it was me– wound up, neurotic, overwhelmed.
I didn’t know there was any other way. Last year though, I remember wondering often: Is this just life? Is this how everyone feels?
I started interviewing my friends – Do you feel overwhelmed all the time? Does it feel like there are too many people in the world? Do crowded grocery stores or trips to Ikea make you run for the hills?
Some would say yes. Others would nod slowly, looking at me suspiciously, like, Are you okay?
That it was somehow my fault. That I was too sensitive. That the overwhelm was an issue of not being organized enough, or calm enough. I felt humorless. It was almost impossible to get me to laugh. I longed to be lighthearted.
I need to do more yoga. I need to start meditating. I need to do those breathing exercises everyone seems to talk about.
And those things would help, enough. And I would go on and muscle through. Buck up and deal. Soldier on with a curious kind of resignation —
I quit sugar. I hiked in the woods almost every day. I took my vitamins and supplements. I went back to yoga. I did therapy. I ate kale. I wrote, made things with my hands, took photographs and saw friends.
And it wasn’t enough.
Without them, I would have continued on like this indefinitely. I wouldn’t have gotten desperate for relief.
They say it takes 6-8 weeks for the medicine to fully take effect. I didn’t notice a big change by this time and was a little disappointed, but grateful the panic and anxiety had calmed down. It was enough for me to feel grateful and happy about my choice.
Around week eleven, something happened. A friend called and asked me how I was. I’m doing great! I found myself saying. I didn’t recognize my own voice! I don’t think I have said those words (and meant them) in years. This was miraculous to me.
I’ve been watching myself over the past few weeks and marveling at my new-found hope. I love my life. I love my kids. I love my husband. I am hugging everybody longer. I am saying I love you. I am able to cope without getting whipped up into a froth. When someone asks me how I am doing, my voice doesn’t go up several octaves anymore with an oh fine…
I feel genuinely happy.
WTF? Pills are not supposed to do this! My new-age heart shouts. Yoga and meditation are supposed to do this. Hard work is supposed to do this. Copious amounts of therapy is supposed to do this. My mind is utterly blown.
I am funny again.
I am loving.
I bust out spontaneous dance moves to make my husband laugh.
I cry when I read a good book.
I don’t fantasize about death as a way to find relief.
I feel grateful for my life in a way I didn’t have access to before.
I am humbled, once again, by going down the road I didn’t want to go down. By opening the door I was afraid to open.
Finally, after years of resisting it, thinking I don’t have time or just plain forgetting, I did it. I don’t know what made yesterday the right day to begin but I found myself seated in the sun on the hardwood floor in my living room. Being a fan of achievable goals, I set my iphone to ring after 10 minutes.
After several fidgety moments, I noticed a lot of plans, so many things undone, the endless list streaming like ticker tape in my mind — get classrooms ready for january, do I have the construction paper for Ben’s school project? I should check our balances and see if we’re overdrawn…
Fear. I said this aloud to myself and then went back to counting my breath.
Planning, fear of not doing enough, of not being enough, strategizing. Trying to wrangle all the ducks and put them in a row.
Just count your breath, I told myself, my mind a slippery fish. One, two…
I started to pray, which I decided was a better use of my mind that was clearly running amuck.
Please God, allow me to be of service, give me clarity and confidence to do my best work as an artist, mother, partner, friend. It went something like this. And that calmed me down.
Then I thought of the pendulum that Ben bought in Colorado. We came across it at an arts and crafts fair at the local farmer’s market. There was a woman there selling gorgeous rocks and crystals, jewelry and pendulums.
“They are for dowsing,” she explained. “You can ask it a yes or no question and it will give you an answer.”
Ben was particularly taken with one that had a gorgeous fluorite crystal hanging at the end of a silver chain.
“Do I have forty dollars?” Ben asked the lady.
We watched as the pendulum swayed. It made a line in the air, didn’t twirl in a circle but went back and forth.
“It’s telling me no,” said the lady.
“Right!” he exclaimed. “I only have twenty!”
Ben scored this 20 dollar bill in a moment of parental desperation. After having croup for several days, we got a prescription for a steroid that might help with the cough. Imagining a day of airplane travel with Ben hacking like a seal, we decided to give it to him. Trouble was, it smelled like rubbing alcohol. (And likely tasted just as bad)
We pulled out all of our best tricks. “Here is a big piece of chocolate Ben! Just swig it and this can be yours…”
He took a sip and spat most of it out. “It’s burning my mouth!” he said.
Shit… I muttered under my breath. We only had a half a dose left and he refused to take anymore. “I don’t want your chocolate!” he shouted from the other room.
Then I pulled my wallet out. Ben’s really into cash these days so I had to pull out the big guns. I offered him five dollars but it was a no-go. He was playing hardball.
I found him on the toilet coughing.
“Ben, do you know that when you have to do something really scary, you can put your arms in the air like a superhero or like a super duper strong person and it helps you feel stronger?” I put my arms in full Wonder Woman posture and in my best Tony Robbins imitation said, “Yes! I can totally do this! I’m strong and I can rock this!”
He watched me from the toilet, a half-smile creeping over his face, not sure if he believed me.
“Seriously,” I said. “I watched a researcher talk about it just the other day.”
“Let’s do this Ben!” I bounded into the kitchen with him. “Put your arms in the air in your best Superman pose!”
“Okay, Ben.” I walked over to my purse. “I’ve got a 20 dollar bill here with your name on it. This is my last offer. Get over here and let’s do this!”
He sprinted over, downed it as fast as could and then cheered for himself. “I did it!!!!!!” he shouted and waved his twenty in the air.
Ben bought the pendulum in Colorado. Approximately 45 minutes later while we had burgers and fries, he regretted it. “Now my twenty is gone!” he whined.
It was a good lesson about money, so I considered how long to let him sit with buyer’s remorse. But I secretly wanted the pendulum. So I told him that just this once, I would buy it from him.
I searched in every suitcase, toiletry bag, wallet and purse in the house. It has been weeks and it still hasn’t turned up. I started to wonder if the pendulum didn’t want to be found.
But as I sat on the floor meditating, a voice in me said, “The pendulum is in that little bag you put your tampons in.”
I ran to the drawer and found the bag. There it was.
Although Nico loves his new preschool (it is a dream come true) he hides behind my legs every time we arrive. He suddenly gets shy + clingy, grabs onto my thighs or tries to climb my body, desperate for me to stay. Saying goodbye to him usually involves distracting him with trains or an art project, anything that will hold his attention long enough for me to slip out.
They instituted a new game called, “Push mommy out the door.” And it is magic.
When I am ready to say goodbye to Nico and leave, the teachers say, Time to push mommy out the door! and Nico runs behind me and pushes my legs forward and I exaggeratedly stumble towards the door. Then he nudges me out saying, “Bye bye mommy!”
This week I realized the pure genius of this.
We all want to be at choice in our lives. We want to know we have some control, that we get to choose (even a little bit) how our environment will be + how our days will go.
In the case of Nico going to school, it’s kind of a non-negotiable. But feeling at choice — that he is choosing that it is time for me to go– leaves him feeling empowered.
Where in our lives do we feel like the victims of our circumstance? at work? at home? How would re-framing things we have to do, consciously choosing them, help us feel good about our responsibilities and tasks?
Sometimes a tweak in the language we use is enough. Instead of saying, “I have to…” we can say, “I get to…” Or, we can simply say, “I’m choosing to… ”
For example, instead of saying, I have to go to Ben’s school this week and volunteer for the Hanukkah celebration… (I said this last week and the dread in my voice was notable!) I could say, “This Thursday I get to volunteer in Ben’s class and do some fun activities to teach his classmates about Hannukah.” or “I’m choosing to volunteer in Ben’s class this week.”
Even if it feels a bit phony at first, you will notice how differently you feel. Stepping out of our victim roles (even in these small ways) reminds us that we are always at choice in our lives, and that empowering ourselves this way can ripple out into every area of our life.
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